Revisiting An Old Post

   

    A little less than a year ago, I wrote a post that I titled My Life Lately (Life Update). As stated in the title, it was a life update. A post filled with loss, gut wrenching news, and life in the early stages of the pandemic. A couple of the anniversaries of the events have past recently, and had me thinking about it a ton. 

    Reading the first sentence made me laugh just a bit. "Things have been pretty insane these past couple of months." If only I knew that things would continue to be insane. I went on to write about the loss of my great uncle. He passed away a year ago last week. It blew my mind that it had been already a year.  Yet at times it seems longer than a year. It was Pre-Lockdown, so I really had no idea what was happening next.

    If you have been following along with my story, you may remember that just before the shut down, I had received a long awaited surgery date from my transplant donation team. April 8th. I was so excited. That date would have given me just enough time to recover from surgery before all the crazy events I had planned. Working a conference at the beginning of June, volunteering at two weeks of JAF Family Retreats, and so much more. The excitements was (as I previously said) "short lived." Three days after receiving the date, it was ripped from our hands due to the pandemic crisis. I was completely shattered. 

    Back then, I was so worried that the surgery would be too late into the month (even the two week shut down was pushing it) and I would not be fully recovered before working the conference or my camps. It ended up being that I really didn't have to be worried whether or not I would have been recovered by June. The conference was cancelled and so were the retreats. Instead of just coming home from two weeks of camp and getting to swipe through 1,000+ pictures of camp, I had an organ removed and was sent home a day later. 

    Also in the post, I mention not really seeing extended family. There are people I haven't seen since before all the madness started. That part is still hard. I miss them all so much. Overall, I really missed interacting with other people. The rare moments when I DID see someone, it was a very short visit. I sorely missed worship with other people. I had music playing constantly. All to feel a hint of worshiping with others.

     While reading old journal entries, I see where I have grown as a person. I am most definitely coming out of all this a different person. I'm more confident in who as I am as a person, more confident in Christ, and a stronger person. My heart aches for my younger self. If I could send a message to myself a year ago it might look something like this.

    "Your life is hard right now. You have shed more than a few tears and more are going to fall. There will be some really rough times when you can't see the bigger picture. There will be times when you feel completely alone and really gotta kick yourself in remembering you aren't. HE is there beside you. The plans He has for you only a year from now are beyond what you can see. There will be some doors that are absolutely going to be slammed into your face. Just wait though. God's timing is perfect. Oh, and the house with the blueberry bushes is way to small and there's a better one waiting for you all. Read Psalm 91 and know the truth. All these trials are going to give you experience in faith that you could never have imagined. Now go stop drinking coffee and listen to music. Get on those Zoom calls and be encouraged. Make that art and feel better. You're gonna get some pretty cool keepsakes in the end."

     At the end of the post, I remember wanting to write about how it would all soon be over. We'd be able to worship in person, I'd be going out again, that concerts would return, and that soon it would be normal again. I ended up not writing that but instead came up with this ending. "I'm realizing more and more what I'm missing. Realizing that the thing I thought I'd miss, I don't. Quarantine is strange, but I'm thankful for it. It has given me a perspective I thought I'd never have." I am still thankful even after a year of it. Without having to go to a full stop, I likely would have ended pushing myself to far after surgery and not been fully recovered before having two weeks of intense activity. Moving pieces fell into place and my family and I were able to move. I learned that I didn't always have to be doing something. 

-fin

    I am really not sure how I want to outro this. The only thing I can really think to say is that there is blessing in trial. Growth in the storm. Reason for trouble. Hope for the future. All the madness still isn't over, but the sun is still there even when we can't see it behind the clouds. Keep your head up, God's got you. 

   Thank you SO much for reading. It means so much to me that you do! Keep an eye out for a post on this site eight days from now (a super easy way to be notified is to follow or subscribe 😉), or for a post four days from now on She Be Fierce 2! If you want to see what I'm up to, you can follow me on  Instagram. I am trying to post more consistently on my Instagram, and am actually ok with posting to my stories. So go check it out!

Until next time,

KS

-if you read your journal/diary from a year ago, what differences would you see in yourself?