A Different Holiday

I'm going to be honest with you. I was supposed to hit publish on this post DAYS ago. I post every four days and this one is late. Postponing it was just me not wanting to share a vulnerable part of myself. This post is me being open and extremely vulnerable. It deals with my thoughts on my experiencing the holidays after the loss of a loved one and how different the holidays feel to me.  There are memories and raw feelings abound, and I shed many tears trying to write this. It is likely not very well written due to me not enjoying being in my feelings. I treasure being open when I can. So the fact that I posted this, was a stretch. 

In March of this year, my family and I lost my great uncle. For Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, we would spend our time in his home. Every year, for as long as I can remember, we would join him and my grandmother for the holidays. It became different in 2016 because my grandmother passed away during the summer. The first year of holidays without her were so hard. We would say we were going to "Grandma and Uncle Paul's place," quickly realizing that had changed. There were more than a few tears that first round of holidays. 

My great uncle's home was sold after he passed away. Not only do we have a difference in those present, but in our own new home. There will be a different location, different amount of people, and a very different Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. It will all likely feel very strange.

During the holidays, the loss of a loved one can be even harder. You remember doing the family traditions with your loved one. Remembering these things can be really hard. Sometimes the sadness feels overwhelming and all you really want to do is cry. The holidays can feel stressful and lonely. At points this year, I was worried that I won't actually enjoy celebrating in years to come. Just thinking about having to celebrate without the people I love is bringing tears to my eyes. 

A specific memory keeps being brought to my mind along with tears down my cheeks. Last year, my family gave my great uncle two things for Christmas. First, a framed art piece. We had found a piece of art that he had created years before. Upon the realization that it was one of his, he choked up. The second gift was easily my favorite. This is the one that really makes me cry. My siblings and I scrambled to set up a projector and screen as he watched. I pulled of a stack of fourteen slide wheels and put one in the projector. Soon, he had tears in his eyes as he saw photos he hadn't seen in years. Photos he had taken on his trips when he was much younger. He was so happy. We all were. That was our last gift to him.

I know this year the holidays are going to be really hard. Thanksgiving won't be celebrated on Thanksgiving Day. I'll be spending the holidays in a new place. The new place will be great though.  A new home with new traditions, a new kitchen, and will be new to decorate. The giving of gifts will feel different and we will be gathered around the same table but a different place. Some things will be the same but not an awful lot. Everything has shifted this year. So much will be new and different. It will be a strange and bittersweet different. 

-fin

So yeah. A lot of my vulnerability in one post. I really wasn't sure whether or not I was going to write it, but I believe it to be a healthy way to process my emotions rather than keeping them repressed and internalized (something I am working at to stop doing). Losing a loved one and then surviving the holidays seem like such a daunting, impossible task. I've had to do it before, and I'm doing it again. It will be so hard, but a good hard. The only thing I can really say with absolute certainty is that it will be a different holiday.

Until next time,

KS